Peace Perfect Peace

At 10:18 this morning, Grandma Barbara died and went to join Daudy in Heaven. It's been a long hard week. As Fern Bontrager said, the relief is wrapped with sadness. Yesterday would have been their anniversary, and was also 5 months to the day that Mom came to live with us. It wasn't always easy but it was an experience that we don't regret. Life as I knew it changed drastically 5 months ago and now it will be another huge change.

Because of the Holiday and no newspaper tomorrow it has been decided to have the viewing Monday and the Funeral on Tuesday at 10:00.

We wait

It's hard to believe that it was only 6 months ago that Wil's father passed away and now we are sitting and waiting with his Mom. After being passed out for 45 minutes last evening, she has only been awake for very brief moments since. I take that back, this afternoon she kept insisting that Mary, Wil and I sing one song after another. In the morning, when she did open her eyes, she would softly say, "I love you". As the day went on she became more restless and almost agitated at times. She has been needing Morphine about every 2 hours. Probably more so becasue she isn't able to take any of her Parkinson meds. The only fluid that she can swallow is from a sponge swab. She is becoming quite fagile. Wil's sister, Sue and her husband, David are on the way here from Kansas.

Christmas 2010

Today-We enjoyed having my parents and Norm & Carol here for lunch and the afternoon. My parents hadn’t been at our house for 6 months, so it was special to have them here. Wil’s Mom was not able to join us at the table but was in the recliner next to the table. I thought we would play games in the afternoon, but the turkey made us all tired and so we ended up resting and visiting on the recliners. Carol made her rounds and worked on most of our feet.

Christmas Eve, we had our traditional wet burrito casserole with ours kids that are around here. We had a fun evening, in spite of everything.

		Christmas 2010 VIEW SLIDE SHOW DOWNLOAD ALL

Grandma Barbara has not been doing well at all, the last few days. Thursday night was a tough night, then after sleeping in on Christmas Eve morning, she woke up saying she felt better then she had in quite a while. That was short lived. By the time she was done eating breakfast, her BP dropped, she wasn’t feeling well, was confused and was not the easiest to make happy, to say the least. At one point, while I was on the phone with Monica, I looked over at Mom, who was sitting in her wheelchair watching Wil cut down a tree, and she had leaned way forward and looked like she could fall off her chair any minute. I ran over and sat her up and asked what she was doing, she said that had I told her to do that. Most of the afternoon, it was hard to get much of a response from her. She ate very little at our family dinner and I could tell that it really bothered Brennan, the way she was looking and her lack of response.

Later after she had been in bed for about an hour, she had two different group of Christmas Carolers. That seemed to bring her back to life for a while. She responded more to the kids after that.

Jeremiah decided he wanted to watch Grandma Barbara’s, "How Great Thou Art" video with her.

The night, however, ended up being a really tough night. Starting at 2:30, she was calling out saying, Oh my, Oh my. When I got down, she asked about the strawberries, did I get them done. I assured her that yes, I did, even though I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. She then talked of her pain and so I repositioned her. This kind of thing was constant until 6 AM. Wil went down a few times and sometimes we both went down. A lot of the time, I just stayed in bed and listened to her, since there was nothing more to do. Finally at 6:00, I asked if I should pray with her and she said yes. I just started praying when she said, now my feet hurt! Exhausted, I repositioned her yet again and turned on her How Great Thou Art video and within 5 minutes she finally went to sleep. She slept until 8:30, then woke up in good spirits. That lasted about 20 minutes. Most of the day she said very little and often we struggled knowing what she was trying to say. The last few days, her skin on her face feels cold most of the time and her body is becoming very frail. This evening we wondered if she would be able to talk with us again. We called Pastor Ben and I just wrote a text message to all the grandchildren and was ready to send it, when she snapped out it and started to carry on a conversation with us!! Granted she was somewhat confused but she mostly made sense. She talked of dying, asked how she can go and just has no desire to live like this. Tonight we go to bed once again wondering………….

Beachyville NH update

I will try to give an update since I know some of you keep looking for one. We feel we are doing a lot of yo-yoing around here these days. Sometimes, I wonder why life needs to be so difficult and then other times I feel so blessed. It has taken a lot of adjusting, needing to get coverage for every appointment or activity that I have outside our own home. Then there is always some guilt that does along with that. I know that everyone says that I shouldn't feel guilty, but that doesn't change what I feel. Normally when I come home from along day at work on Monday's, Mom always says, "Praise the Lord, you finally came home". She tells Wil, "Kathy knows what to do." Now that is quite different from when she 1st came to stay with us. It used to be that Wil was the only one that she thought was right.

Having Hospice has been a blessing but also another change. Those of you that know me well. know that it takes me time to adjust to change. That 1st week, I had so visits to schedule and new people in and out of my house. I guess you could call us Beachyville Nursing Home. The Nurse comes out 2-3 times a week, an Aide 2 times a week to bathe, Social worker-whenever, Chaplain-whenever and starting this week a volunteer will come to sit with Mom, so I can can have "me time".

How is Grandma Barbara? I really don't know. Yesterday, she slept very little after 11am. She had a fair amount of visitors, but even in the evening, she was awake. Today, she can't seeming stay awake and has eaten very little. She seems so alert one day and the next day it feels like she can't live much longer.

This week we have had Isaiah with us since Sunday morning. He started not feeling well Friday, and by Monday, during the night, his temp went up to 103.8. Monica took him to the Doctor Tuesday and he has Strep Throat. He has been camping out in our bedroom or the guest bedroom most of the time. We are trying to get him fixed up so he can travel home to AZ on Saturday for Christmas break. He is looking forward to that. He is doing so well at Westview and is one of the top ones in his class. It makes us all happy to him so up beat about school.

Special Moments

Once again Grandma/Mother Barbara passed out while on the toilet yesterday. During that 35-40 minutes, there were lots of times that she wouldn't be breathing for long periods of time. In the beginning I wasn't able to get a BP and then when I did, it was as low as 34/23. Wil's sister Sue was here with me. Soon after she had passed out I got a call from Hospice giving me the time she was coming out to admit her into the program. I said to just quick give me a time, since Mom had just passed out. It soon became obvious that Sue and I were not going to be able to get Mom off the toilet on our own, so I did what we always do, I called Matt home from work. We also had Wil on speaker phone with us quite a while. With some difficulty, we got her off the toilet and into her bed. Numerous times, I thought it was over and on the way from the toilet to the bed, I said, "this is it". As soon as we had her in bed, I called Wil and said to come home and I called our Hospice Nurse and asked her to come. The Home Health Nurse ended up coming, since Mom was not legally a Hospice patient yet. As it turned out, Mom started breathing regularly when Wil was on his way home and gained consciousness and started talking before the Nurse got here.

Our daughter-in-law, Monica said that Grandma Barbara is just like a computer, she needs to shut down and re-boot every now and then!

The Nurse checked her out. Her Oxygen was good, her BP was actually elevated because by this time, her Parkinson tremors were quite bad. Wil and Matt went back to work, the Nurse left and Mom slept.

Wil's sister, Mary came after she got off work and so the 3 of us girls were all here for the Hospice admission. I was so glad Sue and Mary could meet Candice, the Nurse, because I have really been impressed with her.

Marilyn(who helps care for Mom on Mondays) and her sister Joyce stopped in to visit, late afternoon. Mom was so happy to see them. She really likes and loves Marilyn. She was so talkative and upbeat while they were here. In fact during the night when she woke up, she said, "oh I still can't believe David and Mary Ellen's girls were here, that was so nice."

Wil worked late since it's been a struggle to get his work done of late with all the activity here at home. The 3 of us girls ate dinner with Mom but she wasn't eating much and soon was talking of the need to go to bed. She had hardly eaten anything. One look at her and I was quite sure her B/P was dropping. Sure enough 60/43. We got her to the restroom and to bed as soon as possible. After Wil came home and Mom had rested some, Wil did the routine thing and read to her in the Psalms. We were all in the bedroom for this time and then we asked if she would like us to sing. She requested that we sing, Leaning on the Everlasting Arms. After we sang the song, she requested for it to be sung at her funeral, and then said that she would like to tell us which other songs to have at her funeral. We sang until our voices were getting weary. We then gathered around her and prayed. We were not expecting her to say a prayer, but she did and it was very special. Our time together will be remembered.

I slept in the LR last night to make sure that I hear her. Her voice is kind of weak after she sleeps with her mouth open and all the apnea. I got her up on the comode once during the night and again this morning. Since about 4:00 this morning, her breathing sounded like she should bring up something which she is normally not able to do. When I got her up at 7:45, a lot came up when she coughed. She is now back in bed and breathing without the gurgling sound.

She may still be with us a long time, but right now it doesn't appear that way. At the same time, we change what we think numerous times though out the day.

Hydraulic Lift

I discovered that it’s hard to take your own picture!

Tuesday was my 1st day, caring for Mom alone since her episode on Thursday. I told Wil that I had to have the Lift, that the Home Health Nurses kept telling me about. Park Home Medical delivered it last night. I almost cried, when I saw it! It’s a huge apparatus that appeared so cumbersome to use. Sue told me to go ahead and cry, when I told her about it. The main reason that I wanted something, was for something to help me transfer her in the bathroom. Having her in an upright position while pulling down or up her depends, when she is too weak to stand, is a challenge. Well, believe me, my bathroom would need to be twice as wide in order for that lift to work in the bathroom.

You are not to push the hoist while the patient is in it, but we put Isaiah in it and tried it anyway. It’s impossible, but….we all laughed so hard in the process of trying and it helped calm me down a bit! Today, I will try and use it to transfer from the chair to the wheel chair and decide, if we keep it.

Well, so now I have one more piece of furniture to add to my house. In my mind, there was only one option. Rearrange the furniture. So at 9:30 last evening, we did just that!

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Follow up on Please Lord-Post

Tonight I'm thankful for all of your prayers. I'm real tired but I'm not frustrated and overwhelmed.

On Thanksgiving morning, We thought Mom had passed on. I really believe she left us for a while. It was quite an experience. She didn't recover from this one like she did all the others. She has been weak and reflective, most of the time since. She LOVES company, and you wouldn't know during the time that it's wearing her out, but as soon as people leave, her BP drops and she is sooo tired. I am not saying that to discourage people from coming, because she would be sad if no one came. Friday morning her 3 sibling were here to see her. I could only get a picture of her with her brother John, since the other two are Amish.

We have had a lot of special moments. Tonight she took my hand and said, “I love you Kathy”. I often told Wil that whenever I’d give her a kiss at night she would say, “bless you”! As if I was giving her a Holy Kiss at church. Sometimes, she would say, “I love you too”. It was nice to hear her saying it 1st.

When her BP is low, she is is weaker and then it’s nice to have two people around to transfer her. Since it was Thanksgiving Holiday, I had Wil and his sister Mary here a lot more.

It seems the Parkinson and her age is getting the best of her.

This picture was taken last week. Mom was wishing she could see the dishes she gave us (given to them by Grandpa Beachys) displayed in the desk before she passes on. The desk was also given to them by Grandpa Beachys, in 1951, and has been passed on to us.

Please Lord

Fill my cup-Give me thicker skin-Help me not to take things so personal-Help me be Gentle-Help me to be understanding-and please explain why Mother was given both Dementia and Parkinson-what are wanting to teach me-I know that I'm a slow learner, but after my day yesterday, I thought I deserved a break.

Just like all you other Care Givers, of young or old, this morning I allowed myself some tears. We all have them lurking around the corner, but like you, I try and be tough. It's easy to feel defeated when we allow them to flow, but this morning I gained strength in them.

My day yesterday consisted of a lot of trips to the BR, with me doing all the lifting, which made me physically tired. Mother then had the disappointment of having her sister change her mind about coming to visit. I was a bit bitter, thinking that I could have worked outside some before the rain, had I known. Pastor Ben and Rose came to visit later in the afternoon and saved our day.

On the potty visit after Dinner, I had to yell for Wil's help, since her legs buckled and I wasn't able to handle her without hurting her as well.

On the bright side-She slept all night. 8 PM-6AM! The 1st in a long time.

This morning-she helped some on the transfer to the toilet. We were visiting, having a good time, all was well. Then-BAM! I need to get off this chair NOW! The transfer to the wheelchair was not smooth. After hearing her say things like, "well I didn't hear you or I didn't understand you'(while I'm smack beside her, talking into her ear), she ends up on the edge of the seat. She then starts......"well, you....But by then I had, had enough.

No Mom, there is no "well you". I am the one that is trying to help you, I am the one that is hurting my back helping you, and I don't appreciate you trying to blame me when you can't do someting right. Tell me, I'm sorry..I just couldn't do it, but don't put it on me. I'll gladly try and lift you, but sometimes that means that our knees will bump and sometimes your face will bump my chest, but don't accuse me of hurting you or being the reason things went wrong.

I fix her favorite breakfast, baked oatmeal with raisins and Yogurt, then I added a banana to it. As I set it down at the table, she says "Oh my favorite food, why can't I ever have some banana"? At that moment I decided it best, that we bow our heads for prayer and I seriously considered, Silent Prayer:) I decided that I needed to pray out loud to make sure that I prayed and not just stewed. It's was amazing how small my current frustrations seemed as I prayed for Uncle Harvey's recovery in the hospital and for the healing of the Swartzentruber Familys pain.

I won't share all the details during and after breakfast, but I want to share the comments that keep me going. After some of the things, she said, "now don't go and tell the girls what I said." Even she, doesn't always like what that shrinking brain makes her says.

"Oh Kathy...you make me laugh!" or like, after I rubbed lotion on her legs and put her socks on, "Oh, if you wouldn't be so far away, I'd kiss you...that feels so good, you take such good care of me."

Cutting-Splitting

I'm tired and want to go to bed, but I would feel bad going without 1st telling you about the wood cutting and splitting that got done here today. We have had big BIG chunks of wood that needed splitting that Wil and I have been working on. Either they make those chunks bigger than they used to or I'm not as strong as I used to be. Then this summer during one of the storms, we had a HUGE tree up rooted, right out close to the road. Eye Sore!

I had asked Lynette Showalter if they knew someone in our church that was out of work and was capable of cutting wood. Today, Conrad Showalter, Gerald Miller and James Miller came and did some amazing work. Wil took off work this afternoon to come home and help. I missed out since it was my day to work at Middlebury Chiropratic. My wonderful daughter-in-law, served the guys, cookies and coffee that she made. I regret not having before and after pictures of their work but I can't wait to see it much better in daylight. Wil's Mom was so happy that was done. She kept telling us that we should just pay someone to do it.

From the Young to the Old

Sawyer tends to play shy when he talks to Grandma, so he has to talk tough.  At 1st he said he was too busy to talk with her.

Jeremiah(14 months younger than Sawyer) on the other hand is full of hugs and kisses for her.  Whenever he comes to our house, he 1st heads for Papaw then it’s off to say Hi to Grandma Barbara, and he loves to give her a drink.  When he saw Wil was taking his picture, he almost couldn’t finish his hug because he had to get back to seeing the picture.

These two more than pay back Matt, for all the grief he gave me a toddlerI have said it before and I’ll say it again.  It’s been so HUGE to have them live so close during Grandma’s stay with us.  Matt has has to come home from work at least 3 times to help with Mom.  He has done things that he never thought he’d do.  The little boys make Mom come to life.  Brennan sometimes just enjoys sitting and listening to the conversations when Mom has company, even when they talk Dutch.  Sometimes if they laugh, he comes and asks me what was said.  Mom enjoys watching Isaiah get off the bus and she always tells her guests that Isaiah is more shy.  Whenever Isaiah is over here, she is very aware of his moods. 

When I took care of my leaves, I kept a pile out for the boys to play in.  It was a few days later before they had their fun.  By then the leaves were dry and they had them all mulched in no time at all.  I think they all needed baths.

Last evening when Sawyer was playing upstairs, he came running out on the loft and excitedly told his Daddy, he was talking to Grandma Vi on the phone and she said he could come over to their house! 

Unresponsive?

A lot of people ask me how my Mother-in-law, Barbara is. She has really been my 2nd Mom, for 37 years now. People say, wouldn't it be a lot easier if it were your own mother and they pity me that I need to take care of my Mother-in-law. Yes, I can use encouragement and yes I can use support, but I'm not asking for any pity. Does it sap my energy at times, do I get tired of being strapped down at times? Yes, but there are pluses. I have my days that I can't remember any of them, but most days I am aware of them. There are lots of special moments.

While we were in Florida, I was reminded that it was a lot like it used to be when we would go on vacation without our children. In the beginning our conversations were a lot about Mom. The week before we left, she kept making sure I remember to tell Sue every little detail. "Now what temperature do you let me sit outside, where do we put the dirty laundry, will Sue be able to transfer me, and the list went on.

We left on Friday and on the way home from our morning walk on Monday, we got a phone call that Mom was unresponsive and didn't appear to be breathing. Marilyn(neice and Monday care giver) and Sue(Wil's sister) were both with Mom and our son, Matt was on his way home form work to help. I surprised myself with my reaction. I simply lost it and didn't really care how many morning walkers saw me, sitting there, crying. I felt so bad, that here this was all going on and we weren't there for her. I didn't want her to have to live but neither did I want her to die just then. I know it doesn't make sense but that is what I was feeling. Without going into the details about the episode events, I do want to sing the praises of all who were there in our place. We are grateful to all of them. Matt was the one that Mom ended up responding to. He was told over and over, how much she loves him. She also asked him why she wasn't just allowed to die. She thought she was going to go home with Daudy.

Mom has been incredibly weak since we are at home. Poor Marilyn, once again today, Mom became unresponsive and Matt came home to help transfer her from her wheelchair to the recliner. Tonight when I came home, she seemed very tired but alert and we had a normal conversation. What does all this mean? Phone call to the Doctors...decisions on med changes, med eliminations, more difficult to have others help with the care giving.

I am grateful for a husband who helps with every detail of the care giving, grateful for Mary who comes(Wil's sister)and gives relief, even after a hard days work, Sue and David, for giving us vacation relief and being great encourager's, for Marilyn who comes every Monday while I go work at Middlebury Chiropractic, for Matt, who drops everything at work to run home for emergencies, Monica, my daughter-in-law, who often drops by with the grandsons, and the list goes on. Neil and Alma Beachy have visited Mom almost every Thursday since she was in the NH and now here at our home. Now, I will soon get myself into trouble...so I'll stop. There are many more of you that have been a blessing, too many to start naming.

Florida Vacation

It was great to sit on our balcony to eat breakfast and enjoy the view.

Then it was time to try and jump for my niece, Lynette. I didn’t get very far off the ground!

This is an old faithful restaurant for us whenever we go to Fort Lauderdale. We almost always order the same thing.

On our last evening we ate at Thai on the Beach Restaurant.  It was awesome.

This vacation was a lazy one and we enjoyed every minute of it, even though there was some trauma back home with Mom that stressed us some.  We ended up coming home two days early for Linda Schrock’s funeral.

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